OKAY, COVINGTON, WE'VE AIRED OUR DIRTY LAUNDRY. NOW, LET'S WASH IT.

by Michael Monks
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Finally, this divisive budget battle in Covington is over and we can all start to -

Wait, what's that? It's not over? What's that? We're going to court now?

Oh, for the love of William Goebel! You're killing me, smalls!

Has there ever been an issue more difficult to understand than the one our City has spent the past six months debating? There are Michener novels less challenging to follow.
I've gone to the Commission meetings. I even sat in on almost every line-by-line budget analysis in which I was convinced that Gateway College's urban campus had already opened, inside City Hall, and the commissioners and administrators were the wide-eyed freshmen filing in for Accounting 101 praying to God that Professor Bob Due wouldn't call on them.



I've talked to union members facing health care and worse, job cuts. I've listened to their confusion over how the people who patrol, respond to and improve our streets found themselves as the villains in this overwrought play.
I've done all of this for months now.
AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN MY HOMETOWN!

Looking up at fireworks is cool. Looking down on them is cooler.
The Radisson - Cincinnati Riverfront

I mean, I'm no idiot. I graduated from Northern Kentucky University, "the Harvard of Campbell County," and have worked as a news producer/reporter since 2003, (since 1995 if you include my three year reign over "Eagle Update" at Scott High School). And yet, not only do I not fully understand what's happening with this budget debate, I don't really know how to report it anymore, either.

Don't get me wrong, I got the basics down: there was a $3.7 million deficit, scratch that, a $3.8 million, scratch that, a $4 million, scratch that, a $4.2 million, scratch that, a ONE BILLION DOLLAR hole to fill in the 2011-12 fiscal budget for the City of Covington.

And it's all because the public workers' unions are greedy, scratch that, because employee health care coverage is too expensive, scratch that, because the City bought the 501 Main building and other properties, scratch that, because the Arts District was an embarrassing failure, scratch that, because Commissioner Steve Frank LIVES IN THE ASCENT!

Whoa...

Maybe I don't have the basics down. They've changed so much over the course of the debate that it's very difficult to keep up.

But here's what I do know, without any trace of a doubt, though it pains me to admit about this little piece of Earth nestled at the confluence of the Ohio & Licking Rivers that I've called home since I was knee-high to the Motch Jewelers clock on Madison Avenue: COVINGTON, KENTUCKY IS IN DEEP, DEEP TROUBLE.

And it ain't the type of trouble we're used to either. Ain't no "District" to be created to pull us out of this one (or sink us further, whatever the case may be, I'm looking at you, Arts District). Ain't no magic building gonna pop out Bill Butler's golden wand (in fact, the buildings that once did pop out of that golden wand are about to sting us really hard), and ain't no Festival gonna -

- wait a tick...

A festival. Hmmm... Maybe a festival would work. Afterall, even amdist an economic disaster that started in the 1970s, ebbed and flowed and then crashed in our laps this past decade, Covington is indisputably the Festival Capital of the Ohio River Valley. Maybe a festival would be a great way to lay out what we're going through as a City! That's the ticket! We have Oktoberfest, Maifest, Goettafest (SRSLY), Roeblingfest, Winefest and on and on, so let's create a new one!

Let's call it...

GOTTA-fest! And it could explain all the things we "gotta" do to keep this City from completing its trip to the fiery depths of Hell!

Suggested booth themes:

-GOTTA stop acting like high school students on social networking sites! At this booth, city commissioners  will be reminded that it is contradictory to claim an ability to bring businesses to town while acting like fools online. It seems like a simple notion that laying all of the City's problems at the feet of its employees in harsh and often embarrassing statements, or by calling the Mayor, "stupid", or by threatening the police chief's job security - publicly - is no way to attract business! What business wants to locate here when even an elected official makes it look like an episode of The Jerry Springer Show? Commissioner Steve Frank, you are a financial guru that has gotten rich off your money savvy and business dealings. I have little doubt that you will be a successful leader in the city. But only if you chill out. Sip some bourbon, stretch, whatever. Being candid and being a jerk aren't the same things, and regardless of your perception, one of them is not to be worn as a badge of honor. You are an honorable man. Please use Facebook responsibly. Your crunching of numbers and unique explanations of the issues may be helping, but your rhetoric does more than cancel that out. Don't waste a potential success on a spur-of-the-moment Facebook comment. And to everyone who comments at nky.com under pseudonyms, you are so totally lame. LAME!

-GOTTA stop unions from using employee-versus-employee tactics to win public support! At this booth, union members will gain valuable public relations tactics. How in the living hell do police officers and firefighters lose an argument over their relevance? By allowing others to control the message. City payroll amounts to 81% of the budget. That's a problem, no doubt. But it's not greed. No one goes into public service at that level to get rich, they do it out of nobility and a sense of service. That 81% number comes from the failings of attracting good businesses and families and by building up our deeply troubled school system. The unions' argument was officially lost when other positions were suggested by them for removal. Ombudsman, check. Assistant finance director, check. Arts District manager, secretaries, clerical staff, check, check, check. Employee-versus-employee arguments was exactly what your opponents wanted and you gave it to them. Also, when someone argues against public employees for not living in the City, why didn't you ask them: why don't you live at work? That baseless attack on you actually gained traction. FAIL.

-GOTTA stop putting all our eggs in one basket! At this booth, the entire City will learn that while it is fun to have a mini-skyline on the riverfront, it's probably not a good idea to risk our financial future by only focusing on retaining large corporations and their beneficial payroll tax when they will and are threaten(ing) to leave the next time a taxpayer-funded deal is waved in their selfish faces somewhere else. When Omnicare's executives paid out $98 million in Medicare fraud settlements, why are they still an entity that our City is going into overdrive to retain while cutting public servants? Right, because we make money off their payrolls taxes, and their RiverCenter neighbors and conventions too. But the rest of the historic business district, Madison Avenue and Pike Street, continue to struggle to attract tenants, customers and interest. Was that mini-skyline's purpose to cast a shadow on our small business failings? When Omnicare and another yet-to-be-announced-publicly corporation bolt for greener (taxpayer money, not grass) pastures, our budget will shrink another seven figures. And what do we have to show for our high-priced dance with big business?

-GOTTA accept reality! At this booth, the word "potential" will be banned forever. Aren't we all sick of hearing about Covington's "potential"? Somewhere in a jail cell far away, a convicted criminal is dwelling on his lost "potential" (interestingly, this criminal is not an Omnicare executive because they're all still free). We're all aware of the potential because even though our economy is collapsing, our historic buildings still stand proudly. But here's the thing: Coppin's isn't coming back. JC Penney, Woolworth's, Eilerman's. All gone forever. The Downtown Covington of your youth is gone and it's time to get over it. Remember the past fondly, but don't hold your breath that it will ever happen that way again. Reviving our core will take creative, bold and ambitious leadership. NOT ANOTHER STUDY! And not just from elected or appointed leaders, but every single person with a stake in Covington.

Maybe you have some suggestions for other GOTTA-fets booths? Send them out!

But also, think seriously about our City's present state. And figure out what contribution you are willing to make. Maybe it's dedicating yourself to shopping only the local retailers brave enough to remain or open up here. Or volunteering at the schools or social service centers. Or opening up your own business! Eating at our local restaurants, being entertained at our local venues, and learning at one of our arts centers is a terrific experience and if you're not taking advantage of it, you're missing out. And you're also missing the point. You can either support the local options starting right now, this second, or you can watch them close like all the other ones you never supported.

Now, back to the point of this. I love Covington. I refuse to be part of Covington's and Kentucky's "brain drain". I want to stay here and so do most of you, so we have some action to take now. Our leaders must finish this budget debacle right now. RIGHT NOW. There is stuff to get done and we have not heard one peep on the plans to do any of it.

Our citizens must tell Covington's story and we have to be honest about it. It's a great city with a great history, but it is in a serious state of trouble right now. Do we realize how seriously awful it would be for us to file for bankruptcy as a municpality? Yeah, me neither!

But it sounds dreadful... and it will totally wreck Covington's credit when we're forced to try to rent an apartment in Bellevue.

The River City News (read: me) does not want to be partisan (even though I'm a known liberal). I want Covington to thrive and will always be open to the positions of all of you. I want to tell all of the stories, the good, the bad and the ugly.

Right now, though, it's just too much ugly and we're all getting caught up in it. I've watched city commission meetings on TV since I was 15-years old (nerd alert) and have never been as impressed with the crop of elected leaders that we have now... but so far it's only been on their "potential" and not their actions. I can't wait for the actions to take the lead but it better start happening today. (And if it does, please don't go around hanging up those hideous "It's happening" signs all over town. Some of them are still hanging at embarrassingly misleading sites.)

Pay attention to what's really happening. Dedicated employees just got fired. Elected leaders have squandered credibility to take pot-shots online. Downtown continues to hemorrhage. Our schools are the most challenged in the state. And now, change it.

Because I really want to tell the stories of what a great place this is to live, work and play. But I'm not gonna lie about it.

-Michael Monks

www.therivercitynews.com
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mmonks@deanmproductions.com